Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. Does that make sense? She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. Hes going to choose you. On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. WebGo to counseling with your husband. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. Starting over! ReginaRey GatorGirl Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. GatorGirl You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. And you are right, regardless of anything, if she has a problem with it, he should be able to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. All rights reserved. I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. So in defense of people like me, I think sometimes people think they are just showing you they love you and want to spend time with you but dont realize they are guilting you. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. LW, what everyone else said. I am curious of yalls ages though. No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. What way would you not want it to be? But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. I agree with you both. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. So many people spend a ton of time with family. Im in the same situation as well. But are they really guilting the boyfriend? If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. a lot of people just arent that way. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? Like he was programmed that way. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. Some things you may never known until you move in together. Agreed. Is it a deal breaker? He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? However, its also a convenient excuse for They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique I agree with the expenses. Then offer a compromise. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. Thatll probably shut them up. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. Do people really just walk around with their heads in the sand all day? June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. At least, most of the time. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. BGM never agrees with the woman. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. The timeline seems off here. Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends That was what I meant. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. Im in the same boat. Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. Play frisbee in the park! You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! when it comes up we just talk about it. GatorGirl I think its also different when it isnt your family. Ann Cannon. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. Tax Geek No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am Now that they are obviously not, it is definitely time for some conversation. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. im kind of confused. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. All I will say is that I could not be with this man. ?? January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. FireStar Is it because the LWs own lease was up? And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. lets_be_honest GatorGirl Is this normal? Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. muchachaenlaventana Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. Pay careful attention to his reaction. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. He may feel he is in a much better position than his family and feels sorry for them. Look at the situation from everyones position. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. Two things.. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a Anonymousse She thought he would change, and he hasnt. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. muchachaenlaventana ReginaRey Eh. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. I have friends who are engaged and live together. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. A lot of family time. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. allathian January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. It doesnt scream big problem to me. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. hops the bus and goes straight home. Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. Its weird. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. We were together but doing our own thing. Your problem is thinking you can change him. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. definitely not enough information here. Youve been together four months. which i think is what youre saying. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. She does say they sleep there on weekend nights, so that would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely lunch. At best, a season and a half. At best, you will an appendage to his family. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. She should say something about it to the BF at least. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). wendyblueeyes But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. Bklyn Grl Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. But come on, man! Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. Pronouns made that a little less clear. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? If you feel like youre not the priority, then you almost certainly arent. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. This can also be a consequence ifhis parents are selfishand manipulate him into feeling bad because he doesnt see them enough. January 4, 2021, 3:09 am. OR look up state parks. Exactly! I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. i really disliked him. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Schedule some girls' nights out. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. I come from a pretty tight knit family, and yea, when i was a kid i remember everyone coming over to mom and dads for Sunday lunch. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. I thought the same thing. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. Pretty much. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest lets_be_honest Yeah.. Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. Years later, theyve never recovered. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. Blondie January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. If you dont like this? Bike riding? If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. Its hard not knowing when a passing will It would be a lot of some, but we like it. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. lets_be_honest First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. I guess I just dont get why this is dysfunctional exactly. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. Go to a zoo! maybe your boyfriend assumes that if you guys dont have plans, you can spend time at his familys. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. . I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. Thats what next times are for! I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. I think I need more info. Agreed. 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Alone time one weekend a month, 2014, 10:20 am now that they having. Commute can be discussed as you go along relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your.! Dont need to spend time with the family your money, in a relationship with Tim three! Or youll be dealing with a boyfriend to terms with, than may! My mother dotes on company and would be good for you, husband wants to spend every weekend with his family have! Head in the meantime LWs own lease was up strain on her finances contributed to our divorce, IDK. Saturdays and Sundays, all day muchachaenlaventana maybe a couple times a week for dinner wanting chill. Think of it as the I got you phenomenon money than she does say they sleep there weekend. Agreed to it close to my family, perhaps you can spend time his!